I have had a leaky gut for quite some time.  I did not trust my inner tools to make good decisions or trust my inner wisdom to see experiences in the light they were brought to me.  I have allowed so many people, so many perceptions, and so many untruths to “leak in” and influence who I was ever since that moment of complete break down.

Let me share with you……..

I stood there looking at him and my world froze.  The pain was suffocating and, in that split second, my life changed forever.  My heart broke into a million pieces; my head forever changed into fear and suffering; safety shifted to insecurity.

“ We are born into love.  Fear is learned along the way.” – Marianne Williamson

I definitely was learning BIG that day.  That day intricately etched into my heart.

As the tears began to jog down my face, he spoke to me.  “Why me?”, I thought.  I knew I was the oldest, yet we were never really close.   His words penetrated into my heart, “I just don’t want this anymore.  I cannot do this anymore. “

In my young, innocent and fragile head, all I heard, as my heart shattered, was ‘you’re not enough for me to stay, you’re not worthy for me to stay, you don’t matter enough for me to stay.’

On that day, my dad walked out on us….. a family…..and on us…..his children.    Never to return.

On that day, a new self was birthed.  ME was now insecure, frightened, sad, scared and fearful.  And….those words …his words…his chosen language to explain his actions…became beliefs that I have lived for  quite a many years.

Masks helped me along the way play the parts I needed to play.  Masks and the costumes I could wear aided in the play I actively rehearsed.  I have lived my shadow beliefs for so many years that when a wake-up call rang, I once again became unfamiliar to even myself.

Human trauma is real and it is significant.  It can change the trajectory of our identity.

On that day, my heart shattered and my head forever changed.

“For most people, their spiritual teacher is their suffering.  Because eventually the suffering brings about awakening.”  -Eckhart Tolle

Like so many children and adults, I have used suffering as my teacher for quite some time.  For the most part it worked to teach me the strategies and tools I needed to live well.

The beauty of learning is the journey itself from one moment to another.  It is like playdoh – each lesson is a gentle molding of the dough into a new form.  Each new form takes bits and pieces from the old into its new existence.  The same works for us, as humans.  Learning happens when we take on unknown bits of information and knowledge and combine with known bits of information and knowledge.

We are made up of our beliefs, our wisdom and our stories (experiences and events we played a part in).  We can become powerless when our beliefs are limiting, when our wisdom is influenced by the darkness of a past life (whether it be or choice or not) and when our stories are told through a single lense – our own perception of the world.  It is thus, we tend to live in our own darkness….our own shadows.

I was hitting replay on my story for so long.  In an instant I was able to tell that story with such intensity that …EACH time the wound got deeper and EACH time the beliefs became stronger.  The pain was so severe that I shoved it deep into my Pandora’s box.  I had that box tightly shut.

In October 2014, a powerful wake up call exploded into my world.  I was forced to surrender.  I was forced to pay attention to my gut and what I was allowing to “leak in” and influence my beliefs, my stories and my perceptions.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves. “  – Viktor Frankl

It was in that moment, I realized the past could not be changed.  Every time I told the story or some version of the story, I did in anticipation that a difference would occur.  It wasn’t so much that I wanted the role of the father to change as much as I wanted the feeling of unworthiness and not enough to be different.  I allowed other circumstances to “leak in” and used the similar feelings of inadequacy to define the event and my continued limiting beliefs.

In my surrender, I learned (through lots of suffering) that my heart could be put back together.  I learned to rewrite my story to one of growth and unlimited possibilities.  I acknowledged the pain and gave myself permission to let go of the story because it no longer served me well.  I consciously began to tell a different story – a story that now includes love and worthiness.

“You change your life by changing your heart.”  – Max Lucado

Living a life well and becoming our very best self is about allowing our selves to acknowledge pain and suffering as a part of growth, a part of our learning and a part of the clothes we have worn.  Pain and suffering does not define who we are or why we are here on earth.  No longer could I afford the gut to be leaky.  I began the rebuilding with exercising my trust muscle – that heart space within us that permits the inner wisdom to be our guiding force.

How do we get rid of the leaky gut so we can trust our inner wisdom and inner heart space?

Become YOUR partner

Stay away from false brotherhood and sisterhood.  Make time daily to practice being with your SELF.  In moments of stillness, we are exercising the trust muscle within us.  Stillness allows us to strengthen our listening abilities.  Trust and listening to our inner guidance are the perfect partner for building your personal intuition.

If you are an educator, a parent, or a leader in any environment, honor the practice of mindfulness, the practice of being still and moments of quiet within your community.  Lead by example the true art of becoming our own partner.

Go rooftop

I don’t mean literally. I’m talking more metaphorically.  In your visual mind space, climb up on top of a roof of the tallest building you can imagine and take a wide lens view of your life, your stories, and your shadow beliefs.  If you find the movie you see to be a projection of powerlessness, of shadow stories, of fearful existence, of anger and frustration at other people or circumstances, this is the universe whispering to you…….the time is now to do some rebuilding and rewriting.

Get a pen, paper and a friend

Make a list of moments of impact – those experiences you find your self still talking about , still thinking about, and still using.  Write about EACH of them and ask a friend to read them to you so you can really hear them.  Believe me…..listening to your stories told from another person helps make us aware of the self limiting talk we flood our everyday conversations.  Crumble the old stories up and throw in a trashcan.  Know in your heart the shadow beliefs and stories we continue to tell no longer serve us.  Growth cannot take place when we hold onto limited beliefs, pain and suffering.

Say YES to a new life

Talk differently and watch how you begin to think differently.  Honor your past and pay more attention to the present moment.  Say YES to good , healthy and productive aspects of life.  Be committed to an auto reply of NO WAY to any person, event or experience that is toxic, negative and energy draining.

“The human heart is the only thing whose worth increases the more it is broken.”  -Shakieb Orgunwall

At the heart of it, freedom to live well comes to us when we are willing to let go of pain from our past and surrender our shadow beliefs and limited stories.  Letting go and surrender is part of the learning process to becoming who we are and living our purpose.   Putting back together the million pieces of a broken heart IS the working of the muscle that leads us to who we are and why we are here on earth.

“I imagine that yes is the only living thing.”  -e.e.cummings

I DARE YOU – Say YES to you!  Say YES to believing YOU are enough and worthy!  Say YES to trusting your inner gut!  Say YES to heart filled living!

XOXO,

Kristi